Friday, June 23, 2017

What's 2 + 2? Ten different professionals explain

What's 2 + 2? Different professionals might respond as follows:

Engineer: The answer lies between 3.98 and 4.02

Estate agent: I will sort that out once you agree to pay me 1% of the answer.

Mathematician: In 3 hours I can demonstrate my proof that will reveal the answer everyone has been searching for.

Logician: This problem is solvable.

Dentist: If you don't brush them properly there will only be 3.

Social worker: I don't know the answer but I'm glad we discussed the question.

Lawyer: In the case of Nerd vs HMRC, 2+2 was held to be 4

Politician: That's not the real question.

Market trader: Are you buying or selling?

Accountants: What do you want it to be?

Monday, June 19, 2017

Nine things only employed accountants will understand

  1. People never really understand what your job really involves
  2. The colour scheme on your spreadsheet is actually important.
  3. It's infuriating when a balance sheet doesn't balance.
  4. Having the auditors on site is a pain in the neck.
  5. No one wants to know when your cash flow shows no flow.
  6. Everyone thinks you can help them pay less tax.
  7. Friends only call when they want financial advice.
  8. New versions of microsoft excel are really exciting.
  9. Everything in life can be reduced to debits and credits
Do add comments re: anything else you think is missing from this list.

Friday, June 09, 2017

Are the police working for HMRC now?

A man was driving away from the tax office when all of a sudden he had to swerve to avoid a box falling off the lorry in front.

Seconds later a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving.

As the policeman starting writing the ticket he noticed the box was full of nails and tacks.

 "I had to swerve or I'd have run over those and blown my tyres!" protested the driver.

 "Ok", replied the officer, ripping up the ticket, "but I'm still bringing you in."

 "What for?!" retorted the man.

 "Tacks evasion", answered the policeman.

Friday, June 02, 2017

Withheld tax awards for large, medium-sized and small firms

Awards not presented at the most recent Tolley's Taxation Awards Ceremony included:

Large firm
  • Longest name for a tax team in a large firm
  • Hardest working manager whose partner takes credit for their work
  • Most widely dispersed tax 'team' in a large firm
Medium sized firm
  • Highest percentage lock-up in a medium sized firm
  • Most imaginative disclosure on a tax return by a medium sized firm
  • Longest meeting with HMRC in a medium sized firm
  • Most fee notes for tax advice given to one client in one year, in a medium sized firm
  • Fastest integration of newly merged firm with fewest staff losses
Small firm
  • Most engaged twitter account in the name of a small firm (never awarded - too few entries)
  • Highest number of staff per partner in a small firm
  • Best reasonable excuse for a late filed tax return by a small firm
Individual awards
  • Most obscure tax qualifications
  • Most pedantic tax author
  • Least qualified Treasury minister
  • Tax smartarse of the year
And one you wouldn't want to win:
  • Worst client toilet in a small firm

Friday, May 19, 2017

This one is for American accountants only...

An accountant is talking to the young child of one of his friends and says, "Do you know what I do?'

"Daddy says you're a CPA."
"That's right. Did he tell you what CPA stands for?"
"Well, he says you're a Complete Pain in the Arse."

Friday, May 12, 2017

Three approaches to extracting confessions from taxpayers

Before everyone was merged into HMRC, the Inland Revenue, Contributions Agency, and Customs & Excise were all trying to prove they were the best at extracting confessions from taxpayers.

The Chancellor of the Exchequer decided to give them a test. He released a rabbit into a forest and each of them had to catch it.

 The Contributions Agency went first. They placed animal informants throughout the forest and questioned all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they concluded that rabbits do not exist.

 The Revenue went next. After two weeks with no leads they burned the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they made no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

 Finally Customs went in. They came out two hours later with a badly beaten bear.

The bear was yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"