Sunday, September 30, 2007

There's no such thing as free advice

A doctor and an accountant were seated together at a formal awards dinner. All of a sudden the doctor was approached by a man asking about the best course of action to alleviate his back pain. The doctor gave some medical advice, then turned to the accountant and said "I really hate it when people seek free advice from me at parties."

The accountant replied "I know exactly what you mean. It happens all the time to me too."

"How do you handle it?" asked the doctor. "It seems rude not to answer when you ar asked for your advice at a social gathering."

"Simple" said the accountant. "I give a little advice and the next day I send them a £50 bill for consultancy services".

"What a great idea" said the doctor. "I think that would work for me. I must remember to try it." But by the time he got home he'd already forgotten about sending a bill to the man with the back pain. He remembered the next morning though when he opened his post. In it was a £50 bill from the accountant.

This is a joke I've told many times over the years but I have also just found it in the book Revenge of the Taxpayer - see yesterday's posting.

Saturday, September 29, 2007

Revenge of the Taxpayer

I have just noticed this book on my shelves. I bought it long before I started this blog and have yet to plunder it for suitable material.

It is a privately published collection of anecdotes and humorous stories about income tax, accountants and suchlike from celebrities and public figures in aid of the Meningitis Trust a registered charity (number 803016).

An ideal gift for anyone you know who hates paying tax. This £6 book contains contributions from about 80 celebrities. Also included are some of the better known quotes and other tales from accountants, taxpayers and Inland Revenue officials.

Here's a link to the Revenge of the Taxpayer website which contains details of how to aquire your own copy.

Friday, September 28, 2007

National Hug your Accountant day

In a letter to organisations such as the Department for Business, Enterprise and Regulatory Reform, Confederation of British Industry and Institute of Directors, accountancy software firm Kashflow has called for 25 October to be named "National Hug Your Accountant Day".

The firm said although the call is light-hearted it does have a serious message. The day is aimed at bringing accountants and SMEs closer together so that both parties can get a better understanding of the pressures they face.

KashFlow’s own research has shown that accountants think small business owners need to do more to understand the value of accurate and timely record keeping to avoid fines and likewise small business owners believe that they should be left to concentrate on running their business and worry about the accounts at a later date.

The accounting software company KashFlow is in a unique position in that it is well used by small to medium sized enterprises to record and keep track of their day to day accounting and bookkeeping, but is also a solution provider to accountants themselves who use the data their clients enter to form various financial reports and year end accounts.

It is anticipated that the effect of bringing accountants and business owners together will mean more accounts being filed on time and less fines for small business owners.

Speaking about National Hug Your Accountant Day Duane Jackson, Managing Director of KashFlow said,

“The great thing about our campaign is that it is a fun way to address a very serious issue. A large number of small business owners do not realise the importance of keeping accurate financial records until it is too late and I think business owners would like accountants to have a better understanding of what entrepreneurial spirit is all about”.

[If I'd made this up who would've believed me?!]

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

The Accountant (Arnold Schwarzenegger style)

This 3 min video is a spoof (including a good soundalike) trailer for a new film by the Californian Governor.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Are you a prostitute or are you an auditor?

1. You work very odd hours.

2. You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

3. You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

4. You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

5. You charge by the hour but your time can be extended.

6. You are not proud of what you do.

7. Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

8. It's difficult to have a family.

9. You have no job satisfaction.

10. If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

11. You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

12. People ask you, "What do you do?" and you can't explain it.

13. Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

14. Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

15. Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or Jaguars.

16. Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain of it all.

17. You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it's not your problem.

18. When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

19. You are rated on your "performance" in an excruciating ordeal.

20. Even though you get paid the big bucks, it's the client who walks away smiling.

21. The client always thinks your "cut" of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

22. When you deduct your "take" from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

23. Your pimp seems to often abuse you, forgetting that without you, he would not have a business.

24. You do all the real work, but the pimp has a higher stigma and more money, and really just has to "coordinate" the work for you. Sometimes, you wonder if you could just make more money pimping out yourself.

25. You get so brainwashed into the lifestyle, that you don't realize that life can be better, until it is too late.

26. Personal time, or a work/life balance, is meaningless to your pimp, all he cares about is satisfying the clients, despite how many times he tells you he loves you.

27. After a few years, you find that all your non-prostitute friends are no longer your friends, because you lost touch and your schedule and lifestyle was difficult to manage, and you find that you associate primarily with other prostitutes.

28. The turnover rate is ridiculously high. Everyone thinks they can do it for a few years, no problem, but after just a few clients railing you, many break under the pressure, or quit for a better life.

29. Most of the time, your job could be performed by a well-trained monkey.

30. You thought college was a waste of time.

Monday, September 10, 2007

A different world

Accountants wearing pink?
Accountants in lime green?

Accountants at the cutting edge of every fashion scene?
Accountants telling jokes?
Accountants getting laughs?
Accountants being popular and signing autographs
Accountant boy and girl bands in at number one?
Accountants on Big Brother, providing all the fun?

Accountants chased by groupies who will get down on their knees…
Accountants in a different world – a world without John Cleese!

- Sean Kelly

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Chartered Accountants and the rhythm method

"You may not admire Chartered Accountants but you must admit we have a wonderful sense of natural rhythm"

- Mr Arthur Stoat ACA, as portrayed by Tim Brooke-Taylor demonstrating the Chartered Accountant Dance on "At last the 1948 show"