The chancellor will set his stall ahead of the election by turning the tap on clear red water between Labour and the Conservatives with a new sexy tax.
Backed by Presbyterian PM Gordon Brown, Darling will announce a new sexy tax to plug the £12 trillion hole in the public finances.
Lap dancing clubs will face a 18 per cent sexy tax on tips and champagne, as the government looks to target bankers' bonuses through indirect taxation.
Saucy nurses outfits will also be taxed, as recession Britain under Labour will become "pure and puritan", the chancellor will say.
Labour backbenchers have hit out at the plans.
Clement Spatula, Labour MP for Worcester and Hove, said: "Many working class men love heading down to titty bars for an escape from the drudgery of their meaningless existence, just as bankers do.
"For many women, erotic dancing is the only option to step off a life of benefits."
George Osborne, shadow Tory monger, said: "Daddy told me about these places once."
The sexy tax will be enforced by the new sexy tax taskforce, at HM Revenue & Customs (HMRC).
Bea Kangar, chief sexy taxlady, said: "Collecting this tax is making me so hot. I'll have to take off this cardigan.
"My team of civil servants will be measuring how sexy is Britain is and taxing people hard."
HMRC has also launched a website where people can subscribe to exclusive coverage of the sex tax taskforce, which is expected to raise £100 million over four years.
Brits can use self-assessment forms to rate their sexiness, or have the sexy tax staff come round and check, which will cost £99.
Peter Stringyfellow said: "I am declaring myself bankrupt as there is no way I could afford the sexy tax, as I am so sexy. I reckon I would be in the top band of sexy people."
Friday, January 01, 2010
Plans for a new sexy tax...
I found this on www.thespoof.com. One hopes it hasn't been seen by anyone influential.....
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Mark
My sources have revealed to me some loopholes in the sexy tax.
The £100 entrance fee at every branch of Ann Summers will be waived for the under 5’s and over 100’s.
Only black and red leather will be subject to the £1,000 per square foot ‘fetish DIY’ tax. However, even this can be reclaimed by MPs via their expenses claims. People with round feet will be exempt.
EMI predict a boom in recycling of vinyl 45s and LPs to make more fetish gear as the polymerisation surcharge starts to bite. Never has “any colour you want as long as it’s black” had so much meaning.
The Health Minister has complained to the Chancellor that his introduction of a special 900% VAT rate on condoms will impact the drive to halt the spread of STDs. In a leaked memo, the Chancellor has apparently promised that this rate will only be charged on chocolate flavoured prophylactics.
WH Smith, Staples and Rymans have all reported that they will have to pass on to their customers the new surcharge on postcard size photo paper, but each pack will now come with a free bag of special clips ideally suited to mounting in phone boxes.
The treasury has announced that fuel duty will be raised only for petrol driven dildos. Battery operated and diesel models will see no increase.
Following a protest march through the centre of Newmarket, the Jockey Club reports successful lobbying against the new ‘whip multiplier’. This charge will not apply when whips are used by people wearing long leather boots, tight trousers, silk shirts and crash helmets. Sadly, for a select few MPs, Whips and Deputy Whips are not even exempt under these conditions.
David
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